Wyoming Jack The range rovers

Wyoming Jack  entire-wild-horse-herd

Once again everyone is healed and the drive gets under way. Jack and the guys are about to meet the Range Rovers

Once again everyone is healed and the drive gets under way. The spring of 1923 was particular in so many ways. One day it might snow and two days later be 50 degrees. This day was one of those bright sunny days that make life a delight to wake up.

Jack rolled outta the sack at about 6 AM. He stumbled over to where Cookie and Vard were sitting. Without a word Vard poured Jack a cup of coffee and handed it to him.

“Good lord, Jack, you look like I felt when I had appendicitis. How can one man so healthy look like death warmed over?”

“It’s a gift, you smart ass. I’ve worked many years on getting it right,” said Jack with a sly smile.

Sitting there in morning’s early light, the three men listened to the sweet refrain of a Meadow Lark. This was life at its very best.

Watching the steam raising from the coffee, the men heard the horses begin to fussing. They acted like something was coming that was not safe or right.

Little did they know, but they were about to meet the Range Rovers.

J came riding in like a cyclone from hell. “Jack! Jack! There’s a huge herd of Mavericks heading this way. We could see ‘em from on the bluff. They’re about four miles out and coming this way. I left Orville, Ander, and Sven to watch the herd, but we’re gonna need everyone to keep the cows at bay!”

Helga was the first to mount and went lookin’ fer her boys; meanwhile Jack, Vard and Cookie hopped right to it, as well, and in less ‘an the time it takes to sing Yankee Doodle, they were out on the bluff. There in the scrub brush they could see the herd emerging with a very large Buckskin leading the charge.

Jack was lookin’ through his field glasses and exclaimed, “I’ll be damned. I’ve heard of the Range Rovers, but I ain’t never seen ‘em before. Vard, you, me and J are gonna ride straight into the wild bunch and turn ‘em. The rest of you get out with our herd.”

The two dogs were at the front of the herd and began to turn them to the north. As the rovers followed their lead, Jack and the boys rode hell bent fer leather to the south and straight into the Rovers.

The lead horse was that same buckskin Jack had seen with the field glasses. About 30 yards from the men, it reared and let out a gawd awful sound. Its eyes seemed to be red in the early morning light. Baldy sensed she was going to go headlong into him, because she jumped forward with Jack hollerin’ like a wild man. He had drawn his side arm and was about to fire at the stallion, when J came flying past hollering, “Jack, don’t shoot him! I’m gonna rope him.”

Vard was right on J’s flank as they came up on it. They each let their lassos go about the same time, and dadgum iffen they didn’t both slip over the surprised stallion’s head. Now, hell was surely awakened when that big horse started to charge the men. It stomped and screamed like there would be no tomorrow.

Jack got there just in time to throw the third rope, so that no matter which way it turned, it was held at bay. The rest of the herd came thundering by, but stopped up closer than a man could chuck a rock. They were nervous and rearing, but none came forward. They knew that the big guy had to break free or be conquered.

Jay had announced, back when they had their first run in with the mustang mares, that someday he was gonna rope one and make it his own. Well, sir, it looks like this might be that day. He just didn’t know that he was going to tackle breaking the Range Rover itself.

The herd hung around for several days. J had tied the Range Rover to a cedar tree from two sides and let him rant and rave until he was totally exhausted. The group settled in for the next three days to help J and tend to their own remuda.

They were nearly three weeks out when two riders came moseying in one night at sunset. Now what?

NOTE: Rearing occurs when a horse or other equine “stands up” on its hind legs with the forelegs off the ground when acting in aggression, but may rear if it needs to strike at a threat in front of it.

Remuda: The herd of horses from which those to be used the next day are chosen

Advertisements

See the beautiful butterflies

Bear and butterflies

The morning sun just began to peer over the mesa above Diamond Valley. Paul glimpsed movement under the ledge. It caught him off guard. He was not sure what it was, so he pulled to the side of the road, and took down his .30-06 from the gun rack in the cab of his pickup to check through the scope. No sooner had he raised the weapon than he caught a quick glimpse of a manlike creature skirting along behind the boulders to conceal itself.

What the heck? He rubbed his eyes and took a closer look. Paul was the county sheriff and he didn’t miss a thing, but this….?
The creature must have noticed the glint off the scope of his rifle at the same time and disappeared behind the rocks.
On each side of the rock there was about twenty feet of open ground. Paul trained his scope on the area while he fumbled behind the seat beside him for his more powerful binoculars. In one quick move the gun lay on the window frame, and the glasses were trained on the spot where he last saw it.
He watched intently for well over an hour, but nothing so much as stirred. He pulled up his two-way radio phone and called his wife.

“Hi, handsome,” she chirped when she heard his voice.
“Sue, get up here to the valley. Bring the dogs as well as Mike and Bob, and be quick about it. I’ve seen something and I need help checking it out.”
“Well,” Sue shot back. “What is so all-fired important to drag us all up there this early in the morning?”
“Just get here and I’ll fill you in along the way. Call me when you get up to the Jennings’ place.”

“Okay,” she said. “You don’t sound like your usual self. Are you okay?”
“I’m just fine,” he said. “Just get you, the dogs, and those guys in the motor home, and get up here. Have the guys make sure the guns are clean and loaded. Whatever it is I saw, ain’t human, and it’s smart enough to know it is being watched.”
By the time Sue and her crew got up there it was 09:30, and Paul was fit to be tied.
“Why didn’t you call me like I told you to?” he barked at her. “You have no idea what that is up there. Get the dogs and the gear and let’s get a plan working. Mike, you take the big telescope and train it right there on that largest rock just under the ridge. Watch for any movement.”
“Okay, dad,” he replied with that are-you-crazy-or-what look on his face.
Once Mike had taken up his visual, Paul explained the whole thing to everyone.
“Bob, get out the radios and make sure each one works and is on voice activation. Sue, as soon as we get ready to head out, I want you to take Mike’s place. I don’t care if a bird flies, you let us know. Mike, you and Bob take the two Rottweilers with you. I’ll bring the girls with me. (The girls are Millie and Ike, sister border collies.)

Each man had a .30-06 caliber semi-auto Browning rifle with eight clips, plus a .45 on his side with three extra backup clips. “I’ll leave the assault rifle with you, Sue. Use it if you have to.”
The sisters were anxious to get going. They sensed something was out of place. They ran off and kept about 200 yards ahead until they got to the base of the mesa. It was then that their posture totally changed. They ran back and forth and began to howl. Border collies never howl. It scares the sheep.

When the Rottweilers heard the racket, they broke into a full run. They ran past the girls and up the mesa until they got to the big rock. Now their demeanor changed as well. They became nervous and growled savagely and barked like they had seen something other-worldly.
“Sue, you see anything?” Paul asked.
“No, but the dogs are acting crazy. They’re acting mighty frightened, and now I’m scared ’cause those dogs never show fear. They’re clearly afraid of something,” Sue answered.
“Are you two near the dogs yet?” Paul asked.
“Just about, dad,” Bob replied. “There’s nothing up here that we can see, but we’re still 50 feet away.”

Paul said, “I’m almost there. Lock and load, guys. The hairs on the back of my neck are on end and the girls are growling.”
The three men all came around the rock at the same time. It was a rock about the size of a city bus. There was a strange odor there, no one recognized. The dogs were all over everything, sniffing wildly and whining.
“What are you seeing, Paul?” Sue inquired.
“Not what I was looking for, but what we’ve found you gotta see for yourself. Bring the movie camera and the CSI one too.”

Back in town the word got out that Paul was tracking a vicious criminal, and needed volunteers to fly up in the chopper. The two deputies, John Farley and Bill Olsen, grabbed their gear and hit the door running followed by Mayor Dorr Hanson, and high school principal Larry Leavitt. By the time they got to the chopper, pilot Ann Kelly had it ready to fly.

When Paul’s radio beeped, the boys nearly jumped out of their skin. “What the heck?” said Paul.
“Hello, this is Sheriff Jones. What do you need, Dorr? I’m pretty busy right now.”
“We’re in the air and will meet you on top of the mesa in ten minutes. Any sign of the fugitives yet?”
“Fugitives?” Paul asked. “Have you gone over the edge again, Hanson; what on earth are you talking about?”
Dorr explained why they were on their way.
Paul needed the chuckle; it helped cut the tension of the moment. “I’ll send up green smoke and explain everything when you get up here.”
“Dad,” Mike called out. “You’ve just gotta see this.”
Paul had to push his way through the dogs that were pacing back and forth. He stopped in his tracks. There on the ground were foot prints that were twice the size of Bob’s size 13 boots and even wider.
“It’s Big Foot, dad. That explains what you saw, but where did it go?” Bob exclaimed. “The tracks are all over the place and end here at the face of the cliff. Do you think he climbed up and over the top?”
“I’m not sure, son. I was paying constant attention. Anything that big and dark would have stood out against these red sandstone rocks. No, I don’t think so.”
The dogs were right at the face and trying to dig through it. Just then they saw the helicopter clear the ridge to the south and rapidly descend upon the top of the mesa. In less than a heartbeat the four men were at the edge looking down.
“We brought six of the 2-way radios. I don’t think the Nextel radio will get a signal up here,” Farley said. “Fill us in, Sheriff.”
As the men rappelled down the face, John said they saw strange and very large tracks in the sand all over the place up on top.
“Welcome to the twilight zone, Bishop. Bet you never thought you’d be this close to hell, did you?”

Larry was a Bishop in the LDS Church and Paul and his family were in his ward.
“Well, Paul,” Larry answered. “This is going to be one whale of a story to tell our families.”
The men all shook hands and agreed that this day was a weird one for sure. Just how strange, they were about to find out.
The men all followed the tracks right up to the face of the cliff. The rock in the very front was the size of Paul’s GMC pickup. When they felt the stone, it was like the coke made in huge ovens from coal. It weighed as much as a man and rolled to the left with simple ease.

What they found was unbelievable. There was an opening approximately four feet wide and nine feet high. It disappeared into the darkness, and the men strained to see inside.
“What’s going on, Paul?” Sue queried. There was a long silence. “Come on now, you guys, get on the radios and do it now.”
“I’ll get back to you in a bit,” Paul said. “We’ve made a startling discovery.”
“Well, don’t just stand there with your bare faces hanging out. Tell me what you found,” Sue ordered.
“We found a huge cave. I’m sending down Mike to get those three-million candle power flood lights. Come back with them and bring yer gun,” Paul almost shouted.

Mike stood six feet six inches tall and with his long legs, he was down in no time.
“See you up there,” Sue shouted to Mike as she rode by on her ATV.
“Dang it, ma,” Mike yelled. “You wait for me. It’ll only take a minute; besides, it’s hot.”
Sue obediently backed up the ATV and griped, “Make it snappy then. I’m just itchin’ to see that cave.”
~***~
Paul noted it was noon when they entered the cave. They had gone in about 50 yards and the big lights lit up the tunnel ahead like day light. The group was so intense on looking at what lay ahead, they forgot what was behind.
“What was that clunk?” asked Sue. She whirled around just in time to see the cave’s entrance shut.
“Paul, lo-lo-look at that. Someone closed the entrance!” she screamed. At that moment all eight of them whirled to see the last bit of light cut off.
“What the Sam Hill just happened?” Sue cried out.
“I don’t know,” answered Paul. But he had an idea that they were not alone any more. “Bob, send your dogs out in front and get them in attack mode. I don’t like the looks of this.”

“Do not be afraid,” boomed a voice from the darkness. “We mean you no harm, but you must put down your weapons and call off the animals. The animals and you will die if you do not comply. Please, we mean you no harm, but humans are too ready to shoot and then ask questions.”
The voice seemed vaguely familiar to Paul but for now they had no choice.
“Okay, everyone, take your weapons and lay them in the middle of the cave right over there.” Paul flashed his light on the site he had I mind.
Dorr Hanson was normally Mr. Macho Man, but now he was a whining little boy. Then he put in a full 40-round clip, set the M-16 to full automatic and fired. The loudness of the rounds was deafening. Dorr cleared the clip and lock, and loaded another. At that precise moment, there came a whirling sound from the dark, and in less than a heartbeat, Dorr lay decapitated on the ground.

An angry, heavy voice boomed out of the darkness, “It is futile to resist, but make no mistake; we will kill you all in order to preserve our lives and those of our children.”
Sue never cried, but right now she was hysterical. She looked at her dead brother, shuddered and cried to him, “Oh, Dorr, what were you thinking?” His lifeless body lay still in a pool of blood.
“Everyone put down your weapons,” ordered Paul. “And, Bob, call off the dogs.”
“Dad,” came the cautious reply, “the dogs have all disappeared.”
The girls lay at Paul’s feet ever vigilant.
“Okay. Okay!” shouted Paul. “Don’t do anything else. We won’t harm you.”
“Then why do you come into our kingdom so heavily armed?” shot the angry reply from the darkness. “If you all want to live, get down on your knees and form a line across the cave facing my voice.”

In utter terror the group complied with the orders from the dark. At that moment, everyone in the group had their heads jerked back, and their hands were bound. Once secured, they were picked up from behind, and helped to their feet.
Then the spot lights were broken and darkness enveloped them.
“Try to remain calm. It has been over 100 years since we have had humans in our world. You are so predictable. You cannot be trusted to behave, so we will treat you as prisoners until such time as you can prove that you will comply with all of our requests.”

“Requests or demands?” shouted Deputy John Farley. “Show yourselves, you cowards. Bishop, can’t you do something here?” he asked.
“Not just now, John,” whispered Paul. “We’re in their territory now. Let’s just see if we can come to some sort of accord.”
“Oh, Paul, they killed poor Dorr. Aren’t you going to do anything?” begged Sue.
“And get someone else killed, Sue? Is that what you want? Now come over here to my voice. We must be together if we are to survive,” said Paul. “If Dorr had done as he was told, he would still be alive. Remember he fired on them. I would have done the same thing they did, if I was in their place. They were just protecting themselves.”

“Oh, Paul. I’m so afraid,” she said. “What if they kill us too?”
“Is everyone else Okay?” asked Paul. “We’ve got to keep our cool if we’re to survive. If they wanted us dead, they would have killed us by now.”
After making sure everyone was okay, Paul asked the voice in the dark, “Can you show yourselves? We brought the weapons because we didn’t know what to expect.”
“You are such a primitive people. You kill everything that you do not understand.” The voice was deep, but somehow soothing. “When we first came here 2,000 years ago, mankind was evil and war-like. Look what your kind did to the Son of God. Today you are still the same. You rush to meet death in the name of God, country, and family.

“Your God is our God. We have never tried to harm anyone because the scriptures testify that we should not kill. We only kill when attacked. It is most unfortunate that your brother died, Sue–unfortunate indeed.”
“H..How do you know my name?” Sue asked.
“We heard Paul speak it just a little while ago, and we have been to your home many times and feasted upon your corn and other vegetables. We seldom eat meat, and never kill unless attacked.”
“Who are you?” asked Paul in a soft voice.
“We are called Levineta, or as you humans say, fairies. We have lived here in this valley and throughout the west for over 400 years. You are just a few who have ever seen us, Paul. You saw what we wanted you to see: a great black hairy creature.”
“So what do you look like?” Sue asked.
“You have seen us many times throughout your life as butterflies. We have delighted you in your garden since you were a small child.”

“Show yourselves now then. I need to see the real you,” demanded Sue.
At that moment the cave lit up like the noonday sun. There appeared hundreds of personages in the hues and colors of the rainbow. As they encircled the group there could be seen a glorious light emitting from Dorr’s body and he rose up, looking very much himself except that his head looked like Peter Pan.
“Oh, Dorr, you’re alive!” Sue cried as she ran up to him.
After a long look, he said, “Who are you?”
“I’m your sister Sue,” she exclaimed. “Don’t you remember me?” she asked.

He answered, “I am not who you think I am. We have the ability to bring back a life that has been taken prematurely. In time I will get his memories back. Eventually your brother’s spirit will also return. He was wrong to attempt to take a life. The penalty can be severe. We are a peace-loving species. Our time goes beyond Earth-time. We appear as whispers in the night. Humans sometimes catch a passing glimpse of us in our natural state as you see us today. Usually people think they saw something else, because of their unbelief in fairies.

The captors then led the group deep into the cave. It was an ancient volcano, and the inside of it was the size of a small city of about 8,000.
The light illuminated from globes throughout the city, and the buildings were so unique and different from anything ever seen on earth. They appeared as crystal palaces. The group was brought before their ruler who looked like a human woman.

She introduced herself as Mageena, queen of the Levinetas. She said, “Come into my palace and be rested and free from the stress of your lives. We will set before you a feast of our finest foods. You are the first humans to ever come inside our world. We are so pleased to make your acquaintance.”
The group cautiously sat down. There was every sort of fruit and vegetables, nuts and savory juices of every kind. The dogs were given a meal that no one recognized, and after eating it, lazily lay down at the feet of the queen as if they were puppies.

“Eat first, and then we’ll answer all of your questions. I know there will be many,” she said.
During the meal, music emanated from the rocks and walls of the volcano.
“The sunlight is bright this evening,” said a being who called herself Tamini. “You have eaten well, and will now fall into a deep sleep. When you awaken, you will be home safe and in your beds, remembering nothing.
“We will visit you from time to time, but it will only appear as a whisper in the night. Be at peace now. Your lives will be long and rich,” she said.
~***~
Sunlight swept their bedroom as Paul and Sue woke up at the same time.
“What time is it, Paul?” she asked.
“Uh, it’s 9:30. Oh my goodness, I should have been at the office an hour ago. That’s so strange, Sue. I don’t remember even getting up and going to work yesterday,” he said. “Can you?”

Sue thought long on it and then said, “Yesterday must have been a dream. I dreamed of fairies. Huh, imagine that. It was such a pleasant dream I didn’t want to wake up.”
Paul said he felt more at ease than he ever had, then added, “What’s for breakfast, Hon. I’m famished. Do you have any more of that delicious juice?”
Sue opened the curtains in the kitchen and let the sunlight in.
“Oh, Paul, look at all of the beautiful butterflies!” she exclaimed.

The Black Widow

the black widow

Angelo DeAngelo was a small time hood in the 1960’s in Las Vegas. I never got to know him personally, but I did get to know his wife, the black widow. Black widow is what I named her because of the way I first met her.

In 1990, I was the director of convention services at the Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas. One day Alex Ventura was snooping around several of my empty ball rooms. I asked him what he was doing and he replied with, ” I am here scouting your hotel to see if you are equipped to handle the Miss Universe Pageant in May 1991.”

I asked, “What exactly are you needing?”

Alex explained the total agenda and added that our 5,000 seat Theater for the Performing Arts would be perfect for the final show to be hosted by none other than Dick Clark. He went on to say he would need a dance floor to accommodate 2,000.

I answered, “Well you have run upon the right man. I am the director of convention services. We need to sit down and discuss this with our hotel management crew, but from where I stand, we can handle everything except for the dance floor and you can hold that at the Las Vegas Convention center. Let me set it up. How about us getting together in three days from today here in our boardroom, say around 2PM?”

He took a quick look at his calendar and said yes and left me with his card. I asked where he was staying. He said, ” The Stardust.”
“Oh no I said.” That just will not do. Let me have your things brought over here and we’ll put you up in one of the suites at no charge.”

After our meeting and all the contracts were signed, I had to get together with all of the department managers. We were going to house everyone involved with the show. There were 452 people who would be here with their entourages spending close to $3 million .

The Theater for The Performing Arts or TPA, as we referred to it, was in pretty bad shape. The roof leaked like a sieve. It was my responsibility to check it out, and to make matters worse it had begun to rain cats and dogs.

When I got inside, the first thing I noticed was a wall of water pouring onto the stage floor and running into the orchestra pit. Strangely enough it was disappearing though.

I climbed up through the maze of catwalks to the fifth story landing so I could better see the spot where the rain was coming in.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I felt someone watching me. I flashed my light over all the area that I could see and down onto the floor. I hollered out, “Hey, who’s down there?” “Is anybody here?” Silence…
I do not fear anything of this earth, but at that moment, I felt pee trickling down my right leg.

When no one answered, I scampered down the stairs and when safely on the stage with all the lights on. My courage came back but that damn eerie feeling was still gnawing at my gut. There had been lots of reports of the lady in black, but no one ever actually saw her… Until now.

Looking out into the audience, about 12 rows back next to the isle, I saw her. Perhaps I saw her. No, I really saw her.

“Hey there how ya doing? I asked. Why don’t you come down here and have a visit with me. I won’t hurt you.” I thought to myself what the hell you doing you dumb shit? I looked out again and she was gone.

Whew, I felt a huge sigh of relief until I stood face to face with her…

I cannot tell you how long I stood there looking at her. She never looked up for the longest time, she just looked down at the floor. Finally, she looked up and asked, “Why are you being so kind to me? Don’t you know I am dead?”

I stuttered, “Welll, I a-a-a, I mean to say, yyyou, are dead you say?”

Her only reply was, “Yes.”

It was then that I looked into her face. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life and as luck would have it, she was a dadgum ghost. A slight smile edged out of the corner of her mouth as she bade me to come sit beside her.

My mind went wild with a plethora of questions of wonderment. We sat on an old bench out of the rain and just out of the light. It was hard to see her, but her sweet voice danced through my entire being. I felt as giddy as a school boy.

“My name is, or was Mary Elena DeAngelo. I was the headliner at the Stardust in 1965. My husband, Angelo, was such a jealous fool. Every man I spoke to sent him into a rage. He didn’t dare hit me though because my body guard was Aces Keller, a friend of John Gotti, the Don.

One night after my last number, Aces came back stage to talk to me and bring me some coffee. There was one thing we both dearly loved and It was hot, black, coffee. He was about to hand it to me when I put my arms around his waist and kissed him on the cheek. I told him I loved him because he took such good care of me and made me feel so safe from Angelo. Aces put the coffee down, took me into his arms and kissed me full on the mouth like I had never been kissed before. I melted there in his arms. He picked me up and carried me over to my daybed set up so I could rest in between shows. Then he laid me on the bed as I began to pull off my robe.

Putting his arms out said, ‘No baby, you can’t do this. I love you too, but I could get killed for even thinking about what I want to do to you.’

I said, ‘Aces, go lock the door, I am on fire with desire and I want you. Angelo always takes me, but I never give myself to him. Do you understand, I love you, and want to make love to you.’

With that, Aces locked the door and took off his pants. His manhood stood ready and my loins were so wet with desire and lust, I never heard the door open. There we stood naked as jay birds and Angelo there with his gun. Aces whirled around just in time to catch a bullet in the chest. As it passed through him, it barely missed me. Twice more he shot Aces. His face was twisted like the monster I knew he was, and his eyes were a crazy red.

‘Get your clothes on you stupid bitch. We’re going for a ride,’ He said.

I got to my feet and pulled on a silk kimono and side stepped Aces crumpled body that now lay bleeding on the floor. Out of the back door he dragged me. He said if I screamed he’d kill me too. We got into his new 1966 Caddy. He made me drive. I asked him here we were going and he said to drive down railroad avenue to Flamingo and turn left.

I tell you I was so scared, I could not think, but he told me if I didn’t do exactly what he said, he would kill me and then my mother and sister.

I turned left onto Flamingo and crossed over the strip. He said to turn in behind the Aladdin and pull up behind the new theater. All that was there at the time was the footings for the foundation. He made me get out of the car and kneel down in the frame work of the foundation. It was then that he shot me in the head. He covered me with dirt and the next day the cement crews poured the cement, covering me in tons of the cold stuff, and there my body lies to this day.”

Didn’t anyone hear the gun shot? What about DeAngelo? Whatever happened to him? I have never heard of him and I have been here since 1977.

She looked at me for the longest time and thanked me for listening. I said, “But what about DeAngelo and Aces?”

She replied, “When Mr. Gotti found Aces dead, he had Angelo picked up, and now he lies in about seven pieces scattered across the western desert. As for Aces, well, they buried him real proper like, but he still comes by from time to time to see me. In fact, here he is now.

Since I was able to tell someone my story, it’s time for me to move on.”

There suddenly appeared a bright light on the other side of the stage. Just before they entered into it she turned, blew me a kiss, and disappeared. That was on the 12th of March and on May 1st I quit and went back to California eighteen days before the Miss Universe Pageant.

As I watched it on TV, I felt pride in the fact that it took place. I swear for the shortest moment I saw her there on stage left holding a dozen roses, and wearing a white gown.

My life as a woman (?)

My life as a woman

Recently I accompanied my wife, Tonia, to Dillards’ (one of those overpriced yuppie, trendy department stores) to do a bit of shopping. I soon found myself in the ladies makeover area.

OH, MY! Now this was quite a fright. One of these gargoyle creatures was about six feet tall and maybe weighed in at 120 pounds. She had on more makeup than Boy George in the day.

She was cackling like an old hen and her laugh sounded worse than the girl at Wal-Mart over the loud speaker. Her measurements were a perfect thirty-six;………. twelve, twelve, twelve. She was running back and forth trying to make sure the other ladies did not miss their chance to be addressed by Fidelliah. Now, I saw I was not going to escape very soon. So I sat back and watched as these sales ladies transformed regular-looking women into something out of a sci-fi magazine.

It was not enough to simply do their faces. Oh, no! They had to do the hair and the nails and all of it right there in front of God and everyone else.

Now I have to tell you, these women have to be the greatest sales people on the planet. Not only did they convince their customers they were now as beautiful as Laura Banks, but then proceeded to hit them for $120 for the stuff they so expertly (?) applied to their faces.

When these women got up and trotted off to the ladies room for a better look, I noticed that they looked refreshed when they came out with most of it wiped off. My heck, I felt like a rooster in a hen house. Never in the history of man had another male been privy to the sights and sounds I experienced that day.

Many of the women asked me if I was next. I told them “Sure, ever since I got the sex change I have long missed the excitement of this moment.” The ladies looked at me as if I had three eyes and four ears. (I am six foot two inches tall and weigh two hundred and fifty pounds) I just loved the way they made a wide berth around me from that moment on.

It was about this time Fidelliah figured I was really telling the truth, because she came over and told me that she was so impressed that I would come out and be a part of all this. Then she confided that she had made the change from a man to a woman five years before. Now that just about did it, until she (?) confided in me that her boob job was a disaster. Well you coulda knocked me over with a feather. She was as flat as the floor she stood on.

I searched desperately for Tonia to give me some support. She was laughing so hard, she just about peed her pants…. Well I managed a thank you for sharing that, and then (I am so embarrassed to say) broke out in such a belly laugh, I fell off from the stool I had been sitting on…. Needless to say, the entire floor erupted into a free for all of laughter to relieve the tension that was so thick you could cut it with a meat cleaver.

Tonia collected her things, and hurriedly paid for her makeup and tore me the hell out of there, with the other women thanking me for making their day……. I was so pleased to get out of there until Smitty (My nickname for Tonia) informed me I was the one who would be taking the makeup back for a refund. I felt like I had just caught my foreskin in my zipper. The pain of walking back into that area was far more than I could bear. I paid one of my employees $20 to do it for me.

I do not think I will be shopping there with my sweetheart again soon. I got a call from the store manager pleading me to come back because the morale of her department had never been so high.

GO FIGURE.